I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
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Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.