“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
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If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
there’s probably a fee though
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
dream blunt rotation
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.