@BadMikeyBad: Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he's going to take a dump in the minivan, he's not making idle threats

@BillMc7: *goes on Facebook AGAIN* *reads 100,000th idiotic post* *thinks other people are stupid*

@kelkulus: Nobody has 3 cats. You either have 1 or 2, but from there you leap directly to 17.

@DBMaxP: Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?

@donjuantip: Your cell should have a 'drunk mode' like 'airplane mode' so that no text messages or tweets leave your phone but you can still call a taxi.