@hell_homer: This is your brain: [hippo standing in a field] This is your brain on twitter: [100s of people surround the hippo patting it rhythmically]
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@jonnysun: whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper "dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow"
@morgan_murphy: I don't think I could be a mom. Listening to another person cry all night just seems awful & I wouldn't want to impose that on a baby.
@Brianhopecomedy: I probably should've said, "Congrats on your 4th child!" instead of "Halfway there, OctoMom".
@causticbob: The kidnapper rang and said "£10,000 and you get your wife back" "Negotiate with him!" advised the policeman "£20,000 and she's all yours"