@hell_homer: This is your brain: [hippo standing in a field] This is your brain on twitter: [100s of people surround the hippo patting it rhythmically]
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@dizzydes86: Everybody always says they want a fairytale wedding, but when I show up and curse their newborn, suddenly I'm a jerk.
@zachreinert03: Did you guys know on average 3 confused cannibals get punched in the face a year because they say yes to wanting a knuckle sandwich
@drugleaf: the only proof i have that there is a god is that one time i saw a dude in a "Bazinga" shirt get into a car and drive directly into a tree
@Elifcello: Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.