@JoshuaHvr: This is your brain-
*holds out egg*
This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
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@CloydRivers: I'm glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
@WeissBrandon: Me: excuse me waitress, I ordered this filet medium-rare and it's clearly a peanut butter and jelly Wife: did you just call me "waitress"?
@MrDomHarrison: The single most brilliant thing I've ever read.
@LostFelicia: Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have? Me: 12 Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear. Me: 118
@abbycohenwl: Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party! Patient: But my birthday's not till next month Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
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