This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
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Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
My love language is hissing.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him