This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
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When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆