Dear Lord..
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“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
pelicons
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.