definitely did not do anything wrong
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Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇