This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
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me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
had to share :’)
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.