This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
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What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
Heroic Misunderstanding
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”