@Ristolable: This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I'm literally just pressing buttons.
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@iwearaonesie: me: they're having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free wife: so why do you have 4 space jam's? me: ...because it's buy 3 get 1 free
@LilBlueBlood: Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there's nothing worth stealing in my car
@CornOnTheGoblin: cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back me: that doesn't sound like her, she never kept a knife there
@bourgeoisalien: Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It's like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.