This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
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whatcha thinkin bout
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
seems fine
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad