@ieatanddrink: This is your pilot speaking. We'll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
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@dafloydsta: [at the gym] PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have? ME: *leans in close* I'd prefer human
@PyrBliss: I'm no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it's 4AM and I'm making up words again.
@ojedge: Wife: "Are you ok? You look exhausted." Me: "I saw one of those silica gel packs that says 'Do Not Eat' 4 days ago & I'm starving to death"
@Ristolable: It's not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.