This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
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If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
prepare for carbonated trouble
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
Lmaoo 😂
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.