@anhonestmess: This is yr brain. This is yr brain on drugs. *turns page* This is yr brain on the beach at Cancun! Awwww, yr brain on yr honeymoon. *turns p
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@yonewt: My wife's signature move is asking me a question then turning on the faucet when I answer.
@SSparklesDaily: Cats won't give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
@the_rock_chic: Just walking down the "Gluten Free" aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone's carts.
@TheWoodenslurpy: Your secrets are safe with me because I literally won’t remember them. This also applies to your birthday. Your birthdays are safe with me.