@weismanjake: "This isn't my first rodeo" -Guy at his second rodeo
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@shadygrenade: "Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?" *throws pineapple against grocery store wall* "Ah nuts that was a good one."
@WhatevaConc: Before saying anything like "you have really soft hands for a man", just be like so goddamned sure they're a man.
@SteveSuckington: If aliens are supposed to be so much more advanced than us, how did ET not know about texting?
@ClaytonSykes: After getting out of jury duty, it dawned on me that our nation's trials are decided by 12 people too stupid to get out of jury duty.