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Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
Finally, an instrument I can play!
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!