“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
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SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
Dietest Coke
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”