This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
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[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
My love language is deader than Latin
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it