This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
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I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..