me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
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saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
#ProTip
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!