This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
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I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.