18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
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Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
they really do be looking like this
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.