This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
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three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.