noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
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There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”