I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
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My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
unbelievably distressed by this ad
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
Erm I’m gonna say no
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.