Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
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I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
I hope Alan is OK
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end