I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
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So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.