Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
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Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.