Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
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me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..