My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
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A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn鈥檛 know how to explain it so I just said it鈥檚 not a real thing
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they鈥檙e ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
馃
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn鈥檛 home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this