This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
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I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
Super Hand Dog Face
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.