This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
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My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.