This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
You Might Also Like
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living