This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
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When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
Good point.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.