[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
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I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
Me in tagged photos
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
Ugh