[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
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*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy