This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
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Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.