This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
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Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
My background check bounced.
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
lol
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*