@ReeseButCallMeV: This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she's never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
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@michaelianblack: Finally saw the new Batman. SPOILER ALERT: the Bane character is up to no good.
@TheMichaelRock: Why look something up on Google when you can ask the question on Facebook and let everyone know you're an idiot?
@abradacabla: *walks up to Michael Cohen's door* "Knock knock." "Who's there?" "Says." "Says who?" "THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM."
@VaguelyFunnyDan: Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you're auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say "OK I'll let you know"