This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
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Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
consequences, the bane of my existence
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!