@iMikosnyc: This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death's door kinda voice. I'ma see if she'll record my voice mail message.
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@daplusk: The most uncomfortable part of seeing your work colleague crying at their desk is asking them if it's because they're named Ralph
@OtherDanOBrien: *Lady gives balloon to my son* ME: What do u say? SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing SON: Oh. Thank you
@iamchrisscott: I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
@FatherWithTwins: Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change. 4yo: *Goes upstairs *Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas