@iMikosnyc: This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death's door kinda voice. I'ma see if she'll record my voice mail message.
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@gg21462: The guy behind me honked a nanosecond after the light turned green. So I put on my flashers and here I sit, tweeting about the whole thing
@ComedicBust: I always take my dates straight to the movies after dinner. That way she doesn't have the chance to ask me why I eat soup with my hands.
@daemonic3: GOOD COP: He won't talk except in sign language BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent