@iMikosnyc: This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death's door kinda voice. I'ma see if she'll record my voice mail message.
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@david8hughes: [assembling baby's cot] Wife: take that bit off Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
@secondofhername: [if Lois Lane was a witness] Criminal: *puts on glasses* Lois Lane: I'm sorry, I've never seen this man before.
@GrantTanaka: January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY January 2: [works out] Jan 3: [kind of works out] Jan 4: [too busy to work out] Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT