@iMikosnyc: This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death's door kinda voice. I'ma see if she'll record my voice mail message.
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@KeetPotato: [at interview] "ok 1st question you're on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him" umm "..." subwoofer? "welcome to the navy seals"
@CallMeDraper: Bath time without my phone: 10 minutes Bath time with my phone: 45 minutes 75 retweets 1 wrinkly baby
@ehdannyboy: "Take it with a pinch of salt," my dad always used to say. Lovely man. Made horrible tea.
@eyeswidebutt: me: SHOW ME WHERE IT SAYS `NO CATS ALLOWED' thats not a cat its a king cobra & it just went into the ballpit me: Bitey loves kids doe