This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
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I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
Important
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.