This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
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Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
Breaking news:
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.