@HuffPostComedy: This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
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@LostCatDog: Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
@be_yourownhero: 10:00 am: sitting alone at work 10:05 am: my pudding cup is my new best friend 10:06 am: ate my best friend 10:07 am: sitting at work alone
@1Bad_Scientist: Me: how was your date? Friend: I ruined her panties. M: Wow that's hot man. F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.