[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
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hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
White parent Vs Arab parents
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off