The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
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Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
No one girl should have all that power. 😂