@HuffPostComedy: This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
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@BradBroaddus: My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned. She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
@markydoodoo: There's "disappointment" and then there's "Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment"
@simoncholland: Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it's already on? Stop talking in secret code.
@duplicitron: I choose what country to visit each year by the shape of the first chicken nugget I eat.