This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
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My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she鈥檚 trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
You can鈥檛 hurt me. You aren鈥檛 my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9戮 pounds.
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
Patron: I鈥檒l have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
Shoo shoo! 馃槀
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
that鈥檚 really how it is
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn鈥檛 think I鈥檇 sit on the baby correctly
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there鈥檇 be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don鈥檛 be ridiculous