Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
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When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.