**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
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I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
Botany good plants lately?
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?