Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
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The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
Cannot stop laughing at this
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?