If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
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Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
wtf is an acronym
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
bears
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
Anyone else having a near life experience today?