This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
You Might Also Like
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
A couple who are silly together stay together.
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
I love wikipedia
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
This is the best one I’ve seen
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.