This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
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Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
she would like to bark at the manager, please.