*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
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If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
Britain be like
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.