This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
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It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.